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It all started so innocently…

In the email for a recent edition of Your Better Life E-zine (1) I cracked what some might consider a groan-worthy joke. I wrote “Things have really been buzzing round here at B.P.Y. I am as busy as a one armed wall paper hanger with hives…buzzing…hives….never mind”.

The Rationale
Well, the responses to that little joke came in thick and fast. I didn’t realise people had so much time on their hands or that they had such strong opinions on such matters. I am half expecting an official letter of complaint from the Association of One Armed Wall Paper Hangers!
Despite that reaction, I have decided to continue telling groan-worthy jokes for the following reasons:

(a) because I can…I am after all the dad of a dad. (By the way, my son is into groan-worthy jokes too. We often have sparring matches to see who gets the loudest groan whenever we get together at family functions.)
(b) Much of the world’s population takes life too seriously. It’s time to lighten up a bit I don’t believe there is such a thing as too much groan worthy jokes in the world.
(c) When you are sharing groan-worthy jokes, the world seems just that little less combative and differences seem to fade into the background. I mean, just about everyone shares the same response to groan-worthy jokes. You guessed it, a groan.

So, in the interests of making this world a better place I have established the search for the World’s Most Groan-worthy Joke.

The Reason For the Change of Name
As I alluded to in my reasons for continuing to tell such jokes, groan-worthy jokes have been known as dad jokes. I think that name is a bit restrictive

For the life of me, I cannot see why the pleasure derived from telling a groanworthy joke can only be experienced by parents of the male persuasion. Surely, young,up and comers of both genders should have the opportunity to feel such elation as we of more mature years. 

I say, let the groan-worthiness free to be expressed by whomever feels the urge wherever and whenever it strikes them!

Vale dad jokes, Long live the groan-worthy joke. May they not only survive, but thrive in their new found freedom of expression. 

The Rules. 
Basically there are no rules. As befitting the nature of groan-worthy jokes, pretty much any form of joke that elicits a groan from the audience is a contender. It could be:
(1) a shaggy dog story (a long winded story with a somewhat anti- climactic punch line).
(2) a one liner pun
(3) a riddle
(4) any other form of joke that illicits a groan response, rather than cause the hearers to laugh.

Time Frame
I have no idea how this will go. Provided people are contributing it will continue. 

Maybe we will eventually reach a point where the general consensus is that we have found the most groan-worthy and there is nothing that can beat it. If and when that happens, as determined by general consensus of anyone who would like to put in their two cents worth of opinion we will declare a winner. 

In the mean time, especially groan worthy jokes will be awarded win one of my Podcast on Demand packages supplied by Best Possible YOU- niversity, who are proud sponsors of this search. 

Determining A Winner
You, the public, will be able to vote for the most groan worthy joke. You will be able to rate any joke submitted on a scale of 0-100 based on the length and intensity of the groan that particular joke draws from you personally. The only stipulation I put on voting is that you can only rate a joke once. No double dipping. The scores will be averaged (total of all points allotted divided by the number of votes cast. That means, in keeping with the nature of groan- worthiness, one particular joke could win with just one person giving it a groan-worthy rating of 100 (the maximum possible) The average in that case would be 100!.

But, of course, you won’t let me get away with that, at least not for the jokes I submit for consideration, will you?

My advise to you is the same as my politics lecturer used to tell the class whenever there was an election: “vote early and vote often” 

To give all entries a fair go, I invite you to send your entry to me via email at groanworthy at gmail.com (I’m hoping that because this is not an actual live link, it will deter spammers and only elicit serious joke tellers. Time will tell. )

(1) Your Better Life Ezine, which incorporates The WHOPPING GREAT BIG BOOK OF SELF HELP TIPS is a free weekly publication of BEST POSSIBLE YOUniversity which proudly sponsors The World’s Most Groan-worthy

One more thing… no R rated jokes, please. It’s not in keeping with groan worthiness (at least not by my definition)

Example of a Shaggy Dog Tale

A man and an ostrich walked into an early opening diner. The man sat on one side of the table, the ostrich sat on the other (which is a bit difficult when you don’t have any knees!)

There was nothing really memorable about the man. He was someone you could pass in the street, without giving him a second thought. But he did have an ostrich with him. That in itself was a touch unusual. But the ostrich seemed well behaved. It sat there quietly and after the initial shock the other people in the diner seemed to get on with minding their own business.

Not that there were too many people in the diner. In fact, since the multi-national fast food outlet opened across the road, business had dropped off in the diner quite a bit. The waitress was actually the daughter of the owner. She was at college studying graphic design. She hoped to get a job for one of the big advertising companies. But that was only after she graduated and if her parent’s business had to close she would not be able to support herself. So, she helped out, as best she could between her college commitments. Which was why she was there on that morning, serving in the diner.

The waitress came to take the order. ” The man said ” I’ll have bacon and eggs with a side serve of beans and some toast. please”

The ostrich said ” I’ll have what he is having.” (which is a bit difficult when you don’t have any language skills, but hey, it’s a joke, okay?)

The waitress brought the food and they ate, then went to the counter to pay the bill. “That will be $25.40 please,” said the waitress. Because of the plight of her father’s business she was also functioning as cashier as well. The man reached into his pocket and pulled out exactly $25.40 placed it on the counter, then turned and left, taking the ostrich with him. The waitress thought to herself “Imagine having the exact amount of money!” and went on with her day’s work.

Next morning, they were back. The man sat on one side of the table, the ostrich sat on the other. The waitress, who was there again came to take the order. “Today, I would like sausages and eggs please, with some toast”. The ostrich said” I’ll have what he is having.” The waitress brought the food, they ate and went to the counter to pay.

“That will be $28.60 please”. The man put his hand into his pocket and pulled out exactly $28.60, placed it on the counter, turned and left the diner.

“Wow, the exact money twice now,” The waitress thought, and got on with her work.

The waitress was working a broken shift because her father had to let the afternoon waitress go, and so his daughter was at the diner for the evening rush time, having had college commitments in the middle of the day. The man and the ostrich came back for dinner. The man sat on one side of the table, the ostrich sat on the other. The waitress came for their order. “I have rump steak and salad please,” the man said. “I’ll have what he is having,” siaid the ostrich. The waitress went, got the meals and brought them back to the table. They ate and went up to the counter to pay. That will be $54.80″ the waitress said. The man reached into his pocket and pulled out exactly $54.80 and put it on the counter.

Able to hold her question no longer the waitress said “I have to ask. You have come in here three time when I have been working. Each time you bought something different, and the bill added up to a different amount each time. But each time you have reached your hand into your pocket and pulled out the exact money to cover the bill. Can you please explain how that is possible?” Are you psychic or something. The waitress had some experience with psychics, which was part of her checkered past, but that’s a story for another time…

“No problem, ” said the man. ” I was at a jumble sale at the local church the other week and I came across a magic lamp, you know, genie, three wishes and all that. ”

” You found a magic lamp?” the waitress queried, somewhat incredulously.(that is one of those sixteen cylinder words that means she didn’t really believe what he was telling her. But then she had always been a bit wary of what people told her. She had learned from some painful experiences in the past(including the episode with the psychic) It was because of all the arty types she socialized with. But she had learned some valuable, if very painful lessons, and was not going to be easily led by this total stranger down a path that might cause her even more pain.)

Yes, ” the man continued, not at all put off by the young woman’s disbelief. After all, it was not every day someone claimed to have found a magic lamp. But then, it was not every day you saw a man, nondescript though he may have been, accompanied by an ostrich. That, by itself, would have made him quite a memorable figure.

“And my first wish, ” he continued “was to be able to reach my hand into my pocket and pull out the exact money I needed to pay for whatever I was wanting to purchase at the time; whether it be a carton of milk or a Mercedes Benz car.” Which was rather a clever way to handle such an wish.

You see, long before he had found the magic lamp at the church jumble sale, our man with the ostrich companion had spent many hours with his friends from the liberal arts course at the college he had attended for a short period, before dropping out.

They were, or at least considered themselves to be rather intellectual types who would prove just how brainy they were by having philosophical “what if” type discussions. One of those discussions was about what sort of wishes each of them might make if ever they came across a magic lamp and had the opportunity presented by a genie to make those three wishes.

The group decided that, rather than get tricked by the genie and be granted something they didn’t really ask for, as genies are known to do, they would come up with an absolutely fool proof wish, that could not be twisted or changed in any way. And their best efforts came up with the plan, that if any of them should ever be in that situation, they would make the wish that they could put their hand into their pocket and take out whatever money they needed to pay for whatever it was they wanted to purchase at the time., regardless of what it cost.

Simple and, or at least so they thought, foolproof.

The waitress, having experienced the phenomenon three times on three different occasions, had to admit that what the man was telling her, as implausible as it sounded, was one way to explain what he was able to do.

“So how do you explain the ostrich?” the waitress asked still somewhat skeptical.

“Oh, that was my second wish,” the man explained.

“You wished for an ostrich!? the waitress exclaimed. By this stage she was absolutely gob-smacked.

“Well, not really, what I asked for was a long legged bird who always agreed with me!”